What if Things Went a Little Differently
by x-DragonSoul-x
Summary: What if the stuff in Twilight Princess wasn't as dramatic and serious as we know it? What if Ilia was an ultra, emotional stalker or if Zelda was obsessed with chocolate or all the soldiers in Hyrule were complete dorks? Wait they already are. Randomosity
1. Ordon, The Village of Psychos

**So I got this crazy, hilarious idea in my head for a story like this so I typed it up and here you go. This is my first funny story and second overall. Yay:) So please read, laugh your butt off, and review. **

Rusl: (Dreamily) Do you ever feel a strange sadness as dusk falls? They say it's the only time when our world intersects with theirs.

Link: (Looks over) Who's they?

Rusl: The Cuccos man… They, they like say that, like they're like watching you man. And, and like they're wait' in to make their move, and, and stuff…

Link: (raises eyebrow) Okay there Rusl (Leans forward and smells alcohol and drugs) Nice…

Rusl: No, it's like not nice man… They're like gonna come and like, like eat you man. They're just gonna strike! (lunges towards Link)

Link: Okay, now you're scaring me. (Gets up) Let's get you home.

Rusl: Like, like no, man. We, we gotta stay and, like watch the dancing broccoli and, and like stuff… (collapses)

Link: Wow…

* * *

Later, after dumping Rusl off on his family, Link sat down to enjoy a scrumptious bowl of pumpkin soup when suddenly:

Fado: Hey Link! Could ya come and round up thems naughty goatses. Theys ain't listenings to me lately.

Link: (sarcastically) I wonder why? (goes other to window) Be there in a second

Once outside

Fado: Where done gone your horse?

Link: (looks over) Aw crap not again. (Runs off to Ordon Spring)

* * *

Ilia lovingly places her hand on Epona's muzzle. The sun is setting, casting a beautiful light on them. But it doesn't faze Link

Link: Ilia! Quit stealing my friggin' horse! God! You'd think the restraining order would work but no…

Ilia: (Teary eyed) I'm sorry Link. I just wanted to wash Epony! (Runs off bawling head off)

Link: Sheesh

Link rounds up goats and goes to bed.

* * *

The next day:

Talo: Hey Link!

Link: (Looks out window) What!

Talo: Come waste your hard earned money buying us a useless toy that doesn't really help you in your adventure anyway!

Link: (Annoyed) Fine! (Goes to Sera's Sundries)

Link: I'm buying the slingshot for the annoying kids

Sera: I'm so depressed

Link: Yeah, sorry about that, can I buy the slingshot.

Sera: Just so depressed…

Link: Just give me the friggin' slingshot!

Sera: So depressed that I can't reach two feet behind me to grab something because my little kitty ran away.

Link: (Annoyed) If I find your stupid cat will you give me the friggin' slingshot.

Sera: So depressed…

Link: (Goes outside)

Collin: Hey Link! I made you a fishing pole!

Link: Great! Give it to me then.

Collin: My mom has it…

Link: (Goes to Uli's house) Can I have the fishing pole that Collin made.

Uli: Oh I lost my baby cradle and I'm too busy cleaning up my husbands barf to go look for it!

Link: If I find it for you will you give me the fishing pole?

Uli: (Hears barfing sound inside house) That would be so helpful Link!

Link: (Begins looking for cradle while looking for cat.)

Hanch: Hey Link, look up there at that big bee hive. Sure would be nice to have some of that bee larva and strangely not the honey. (secret meaning: Go knock it down for me 'cause I'm too wimpy)

Link: Not now, I'm taking care of other people's problems

Jaggle: Yo, Link, look up here!

Link: Why?

Jaggle: 'Cause I'm bored and want you to play some music for me.

Link: (Climbs vines and plays music)

Jaggle: Yes, yes. Play my muscly slave play!

Link: (Launches hawk at Jaggle but misses. Hits bee nest)

Hanch: (faintly) Yay!

Link: (Jumps to other rock. Notices monkey holding basket. Plays music and makes hawk get basket) Finally! Wait, what the heck was a monkey doing with the cradle?

Midna: (pops up) I don't know (Link stares at her in horror) Oh yeah, I don't come in 'til later. Whoops (disappears)

Link: (Brings basket to Uli) Here's your stupid cradle

Uli: (Claps hands) Happies! A container for the barf! (savagely takes cradle and throws fishing pole to Link)

Link: This village is psychotic!

* * *

Link: (finds cat and goes fishing. Gets a bite and tries to reel it in but pole breaks) Stupid piece of crap (Spend 4 hours fishing with hands) Got one! (Cat steals it and runs to house) Hey! (Runs after cat)

Sera: My little kitty came back! You can have the half drunk bottle of milk!

Link: Ewww (holds bottle with two fingers) Alright give me the slingshot

Sera: Sorry the kids already bought it.

Link: What!

Sera: Might I interest you in some fresh fish we got in this morning?

Link: (Runs out door to his house.)

Rusl: Hi Link. I just delivered a massive chest to your tree house that's only entrance is up a ladder. (turns pale) Excuse me! (runs off)

Talo: You were taking too long so we bought it ourselves

Link: With what money? (Hears barfing sound)

Talo: Uhh, uhh. Magic Invisible Money! Yep, no need to check your piggy bank inside your house. We didn't take your life savings!

Link: Oh, Okay.

Beth: Anyway we're bored of it now. Go get the thing Rusl gave you.

* * *

Link: (Opens chest) Ooooh, it's a pretty, shiny, new… What the crap is this!

(Little window pops up onscreen saying it's a wooden sword)

Link: A _wooden_ sword! That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard! It can't cut anyth- (slices finger on seemingly smooth edge) …. Okay that's just weird…

Talo: Ooooh It was a sword!!! Show us how to use the "doesn't look like it but it is" dangerous weapon!

Beth: Yeah! Be all hot and show us the stab!

Malo: Pulease, the stab? Couldn't be anything simpler. (To self quietly) Not that I can do it myself…

Talo: No show us the Helm Splitter. Oh wait you haven't learned that yet. Okay, show us the jump attack.

(Link does everything the kids want him to do for over an hour. Finally as the sun sets:)

Link: Can't I just go to bed!?

Talo: No! Do as we say, or we shall sacrifice you to the Great Orochi! Oh wait, wrong game. Uhhh, we'll do bad things to you!

Beth: Now do a spin attack!

Link: (smirking) Do you really want me to do a spin attack?

Talo: Yes.

Link: Really?

Beth: (irritated) Yes!

Link: Really, really?

All three kids: YES!!!

Link: Alright! HYAH!!! (Does a Great Spin (how he knew that is anyone's guess) and chops the three kid's heads off)

Link: Hehe. (Pushes bodies into bushes. Whistles and goes home to eat scrumptious bowl of pumpkin soup.)

**Stupid kids:) So, what'd ya think? If anyone has any suggestions I'd love to hear them. I really like writing funny stories!**


	2. Meeting Midna DX!

**Hey! I'm baaack! I was originally going to post a chapter about when Link leaves Ordon (and has Epona abducted by phycho Ilia and sees King Blubo for the first time! Think of the funny possibilities!) But this idea popped into my head first. I might go back later and make that but for right now enjoy this instalment of Zelda randomosity!**

Link wakes up in a prison cell.

Link: Oh my God! I'm a wolf!!! (Hears creepy laughing) Who's there?

Midna: (Comes out of shadows all dramatic like) No, no! I'm supposed to say "Knock, knock" first!

Link: (Stares in horror) It's hideous!!! (pees pants, er fur)

Midna: (sarcastically) Oh, that's just great…

Link: Who are you?!

Midna: I'm Midna! (gives creepy sharp toothed grin)

Link: Right… Well don't just stand there and look all ugly, grant my three wishes already! Okay, I want a Barbie Mariposa DVD, uhh, a bunny named Omar-

Midna: What!? I'm not a genie!

Link: Your not? (O.o) Well then just give me your pot of gold and leave already! Freak!

Midna: Wha-? I'm not a leprechaun either you idiot!

Link: Then what are you!

Midna: I'm a- Wait, what am I? Uhh…

Link: Nice…

Midna: Well what ever I am, I'm breaking you outta here.

Link: (cocks head to side) Why?

Midna: Because you're ThE ChOsEn OnE, and all that crap.

Link: Really!

Midna: No, I need to use your Dairy Queen gift card! Of course you are!

Link: Great! Lets go! (Heads for door)

Midna: (Cuts in front of him) Not so fast! I'm not going to help you unless you'll be my slave!

Link: (Growls) That's stupid! I can get out of here by myself!

Midna: (Turns into magic bubbles and goes through bars) Suit yourself (reclines in midair and yawns)

Five hours later…

Link: (has blueprint laid out on floor) It's perfect I say! Perfect! All I need is an icicle, an "I voted" sticker and a lampshade! Perfect! Muhuhuhuhahahahaha (crazed laughing)

Midna: (hand on forehead) Oh God, Hyrule's doomed.

Link: Wait, oh no it won't work. (thinks a minute) I'd need a rock too. Where am I going to get a rock in a dungeon!

Midna: So very, very doomed.

Link: Argh! I give up. Just help me!

Midna: Finally! (blows up crate next to door) Dig under the door in that dirt there.

Link: (whiny) But, I don't want to get my fur dirty!

Midna: Dig or die! (pulls out plasma cannon)

Link: Ahh! Okay, okay! (digs under) Aww! Now its everywhere!

Midna: (lands on back) Suck it up slave. Now go into that other cell or die.

Link: (goes into other cell and sees a ring on a chain hanging down. Suddenly an orange hand thing comes out of Midna's head)

Link: Oh my God! What the crap is that!

Midna: Oh yeah, that's Hugo. He's my friend (and slave.) Now pull that chain!

Link: (just stares at Hugo in horror)

Hugo: Do as master says, or DIE!

Link: (Whining) Why does everyone want to kill me?

Hugo: Do it now!

Link: (Does it) Oooh. I opened a door! I must be magic!

Midna: O_o

Link: (Goes down tunnel) Oh, God, it smells in here. What is this, a sewer?

Midna: (cheerfully) Yep! Now look over there it's a s-

Link: (panicky) Oh my God! It's a little fireball! Gotta put it out! Gotta put it out! Uhh, uhh, umm! (Starts peeing on fireball)

Midna: What the crap are you doing!

Fireball gets bigger from pee.

Midna: You idiot! That's a spirit flame! Quit it!

Link: Wait… You mean I'm randomly peeing on this fireball for no apparent reason?

Midna: Yep!

Link: Then I suppose I should probably stop peeing on it huh?

Midna: Probably.

Link: Hold on almost done.

Midna: O_o

Midna: (Gets off Link and looks down hallway) Well, we just continue down this hallway and take a right over th- What the crap are you doing!

Sees Link roasting marshmallow on Spirit Flame.

Link: Well if I'm not supposed to put it out then what else am I supposed to do?

Midna: (massages temples) Oh God.

Link: (mouth full of marshmallow crap) So where were we going?

* * *

They continue down dark ominous hallways for what seems like hours. The sewer is filled with many confusing and smelly challenges for our hero to conquer (even if it takes him like a bazillion years.) Finally, they come upon a dark imposing window. A horrible voice echoes out of it's inky depths

Voice: Welcome to Dairy Queen, what would you like to order?

Midna: Cough up that gift card furball!

Link: What!

Midna: Hurry up, I'm hungry!

Link: I don't got no friggin' gift card! Get your own money, thunder thighs!

Midna: (insulted) Such insolence! You must receive punishment, to be determined on a later date. But now, lunch. (puts finger to cheek) Now what to do? I spent all my money on Barbie Ma- (Link ears perk up) Guns and knives! Guns and knives, that's what I bought!

Link: (not believing her) Thinking: One day I will own Barbie Mariposa on DVD! Muhuhuhuhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Midna: Anyway, what to do for lunch, what to do (looks mischievously over at Link) Hi Link!

Suddenly Angel and Devil Midna pop up on Midna's shoulders.

Angel Midna: You can't eat him! He's the Legendary Hero! (For the like 15th time in a row!)

Devil Midna: Oh shut up, you ate Angel Link!

Angel Midna: (tears in eyes) That was a life and death situation!

Midna: Wait a minute. How the heck would you guys die? You like don't even exist? Your like little puffs of smoke that pop up when I-

Looks over to see Link staring at her.

Link: (calmly) Midna, have you ever thought of seeking help?

Devil Midna: He's on to us man!

AM: Well you can't eat him anyway

DM: And who made you the boss?

AM: Angel Zelda.

DM: O_o Well eat lead! (Throws lead cheeseburger in AM's mouth. AM chokes and falls off Midna's shoulder.)

Midna: O_o

DM: HahaNow I will take over the world and advise everyone to wear their shirts backward and write with their left hand! There will be utter chaos! Muhuhuhuhahaha

Midna: Wait what about the people who are already left handed?

DM: Uhhh, they have to write with their right hand!

Midna: But what about the people who can write legibly with both hands?

DM: (overwhelmed) Oh, uhhh, ummm! I DON'T KNO- (Gets hit with a fly swatter)

Midna: (pleased with herself) Well that takes care of that. But I'm still hungry!

Horrible Voice that Echoes Within the Inky Depths of the Dark, Imposing Window: Well ma'am, or sir, O_o you don't have to pay for you lunch.

Midna: Hmm, Why not? And I'm a girl you dimwit!

HVtEWtIDotDIW: Because that person over there just paid for your lunch. (Ghostly hand point to a Dark Bulbin eyeing Midna from across the room.)

Midna: (feels like barfing but takes lunch anyway)

Link: What about me?

Midna: No food for you, bad puppy!

Link: (makes puppy whining noise)

Midna: (unwraps burger) Wait a minute! (goes over to Dark BulbinEyeing Her Across the Room) This is a Whopper! I only eat Big Macs! I'll teach you for messing with my taste buds! (Does Force Choke)

DBEHAtR: Glack! (falls down, dead)

Midna: (takes out random Big Mac and chows on it. Mouth full) Leffs Po

Link: O_o

* * *

So because the author's lazy they are now at the tower where Zelda is… yay…

The door swings open and they see a Dark Cloaked Mysterious Figure with their Back Turned to Them

DCMFwtBTtT: Argh! It keeps dying!

Link: (growls randomly)

Midna: I farted

Link and DCMFwtBTtT: (o_O)

Link: (Turns to DCMFwtBTtT) Who are you?

DCMFwtBTtT: (Dramaticy) I am Zelda! (looks to little pink box she's holding) and my virtual hamster, Chewbacca keeps dying! Better feed him another burrito.

Chewbacca: (pleading) Stop feeding me!

Game Voice: Food level: 600%

Zelda: I just don't get it! Oh I want a puppy!

Link: Okay then… Say, why are you inside on such a glorious, sunny, beautiful (sees actual weather) dark, gloomy, foreboding, piece of crap day?

Zelda: Oh I never go outside, I'm allergic to grass.

Link: What!!! (starts laughing hysterically) Oh I thought you said 'I'm allergic to my a-'

Midna: Pikachu!

Link and Zelda: (stares at her)

Midna: That's the answer to my crossword puzzle!

Link: (looks over at little piece of paper) Midna, the clue is 'Who declared the Emancipation Proclamation.'

Midna: Yeah… So…

Link: (O_o) Whatever (looks over at Zelda) So what's up with me being a wolf (but I can still talk to you even though I couldn't do that in the video game) all this doom and gloom weather and Jabba the Fat over here.

Midna: Humph!

Zelda: It is a long tale of random attacks, psychotic villains, clueless soldiers and a butter-fingered princess…

**Sorry to leave you hanging there, this seemed like a good place to stop. Hope you enjoyed it :)**


	3. Zelda Recounts a Tale of Chocolate

**So now we get to see the flashback with Zant and Zelda and stuff totally randomized! Yay! I like saying random! Have you noticed?**

Zelda sat on her throne in Hyrule Castle, looking rather comfortable with her feet propped up on a soldier's back and eating Dove chocolate (The only chocolate fit for a princess)

Zelda: Oh no, it seems I've run out of chocolate. Squire! Go fetch some from the secret underground stores.

Squire: But there are none left your majesty. You ate it all remember?

Foot soldier (literally!): You mean you already ate all the chocolate you won in the (rigged) lottery yesterday.

Zelda: (pleased with herself) Yep! Now somebody go buy me another (rigged) lottery ticket. I NEED more chocolate!!!

Squire: With the lifestyle your leading Zelda, I'm surprised your not like morbidly obese.

Zelda: (proudly) The Triforce of Wisdom grants me the divine intellect to know that by not exercising, eating all the junk food I want and taking that diet pill that I saw advertised on T.V. that I'll still lose weight! It's scientifically tested and proven to work!

All the soldiers: (O_o)

Zelda: Now bring me more chocolate so I can bask in the glory of my infinite wisdom!

Random Soldier: Uhh, you can have my Butterfinger your majesty.

Zelda: Now there's a candy bar that make's absolutely no sense! Its not butter and it doesn't even look like a finger! Does it even have butter in it?

Random Soldier: Uhh…

Zelda: Exactly! Now _this_it a Butterfinger! (holds up severed finger drenched in butter) I mean come on! Who'd want to eat this? They should name it something like choco stick or mediocre happiness.

Random Soldier 2: (shuddering and holding bleeding hand) Can I have my finger back now?

Zelda: No! Get your own Butterfinger!

Suddenly the is a giant BAM sound and all the soldier shriek like girls and hug eat other.

Zelda: What the Butterfinger was that? (Presses button on throne that opens secret compartment where she grabs a couple of guns much like Padme does in Star Wars I)

Random Guard: Uhh, Zelda we don't have those here.

Zelda: Huh?

Random Guard: Guns don't exist in this universe.

Zelda: But, but… (Guns make poof noises and disappear) The Final Fantasy people have guns. Heck, they even have flying ships! I'm sure we're along the same time period as them and I can't even have one gun?!

Random Guard: Hey, I didn't make the game. I jus-

Zelda: We're in a game!?

Random Guard: Oh crap! I wasn't supposed to say that! (Knowing that the secret was out and he was in danger of being discovered as a Sega spy, Random Guard pulled out a pen-sized memory wiper even though Zelda couldn't have a stinkin' primitive revolver.)

Zelda: Ooh! Shiny! What is it?

The pen-sized memory wiper buzzes and makes a giant flash. Everybody stares blankly into space for about a minute.

Zelda: … Fine, I guess I'll use the stupid hand crafted, specially made platinum sword that my loyal subjects took 2 years to make. (under breath) Piece of crap…

Random Guard AKA Sega Spy 96: (lets out breath, his secret is safe. For now…)

Suddenly a giant blast of brown smoke bursts into the throne room. Why brown and not black like in the video game you ask? Well…

5 minutes earlier…

???: Ooooh my tummy hurts…

???2: I told you Bobaron, if you don't feel well you shouldn't have come with us.

Bobaron: But Fredonix, this is _the_ battle. We're gonna show those stupid stuck up light dwellers whose- oh my tummy! (collapses)

Zant: What are you doing you dorks! We're almost there. There will be time to punish the ground later. Now let's go!

Needless to say, Zant and his two special Twilight messengers, who you for some reason don't see for the rest of the game, are going up to see Zelda.

Fredonix: That's cause we're albino Twili. We're rare! (Puts hand on hips and raises chin proudly)

Author: Riiiiight, uh, ya' notice you're not white right? That's what albino means.

Fredonix: We're special rare albino Twili.

Author: (quietly) Emphasis on special…

Bobaron: Ooooooh…

Fredonix: So, like what did you do to make you so sick.

Bobaron: Nothing… I just went to Six Flags amusement park and rode all the black diamond rides and ate a couple of chili dogs with my girlfriend.

Fredonix: (Thinks of Bobaron's girlfriend) That would do it. (Shudders)

Bobaron: OH! ACK! UGH!

Fredonix: What is it, Bobaron!

Bobaron: Ugh! My tummy is gonna explode!

Fredonix: No it won't Bob, I won't let it.

Bobaron: Fred…

Fredonix: I'm here Bob.

Bobaron: You're the best friend a hideous cursed Twili could ever have.

Fredonix: Bob…

Bobaron: Tell my girlfriend I love her…

Fredonix: Anything Bob. (Thinking: Never!)

Bobaron: Goodbye… (eyes close)

Fredonix: (tears in eyes) No Bob NOOOOOO!!!!!

Suddenly, POOOOOOOOT!!! Brown "smoke" goes everywhere.

Bobaron: (Gets up suddenly) Am I in heaven, where's Elvis?

Fredonix: Bob! You're okay!

Bobaron: Ugh, Fred! Why'd ya' have to rip one. That's gross!

Zant: Great distraction! Now you did program my helmet to do that "special" thing, didn't you Fredonix?

Fredonix: Uhhh… Yeah…

Zant: Excellent!

Inside,

Soldiers are running around crazily. They're crashing into each other and randomly jumping out windows.

Random Soldier: Oh my God!!! We're being attacked! Which way does the spear go!!!!!!

Random Soldier#2: Duh, you point the pointy end to your heart to point out that we're the ones who are gonna win. Hehe, pointy…

Random Soldier: Oh! That makes so much sense!

Then another random soldier crashes into them and them impale themselves. Somehow, all the soldier manage to kill themselves before Zant, Bob and Fred even come in the room.

Zant: Showtime!

Zant being the dark and evil villain that he is, wanted to make the most dramatic, frightful and evil entrance he could.

Zant: Here we go, evil time! (Zant prepares to press the button on his helmet to unleash the awesomeness, pausing for a moment to think of the fear on their (her, only Zelda's left) faces. He pushes the button.)

Helmet: MEEOOW

Zant: What the-!!!??? It meowed! Why'd it meow?! It was supposed to play "Imperial March!" Fredonix!!!

Bobaron: (to Fred) My girlfriend's afraid of cats.

Fredonix: I know…

Zelda: That song is already copyright of another villain anyway.

Zant: Hmm? Which one?

Zelda: Wha? You don't know? (Zant shakes head) Darth Vader… Duh…

Zant: Never heard of him.

Zelda: Never heard of him?! What! How can you not know about Darth Vader. He's DARTH VADER!

Zant: Never heard of him.

Zelda: It's just pathetic if you've never heard of Darth Vader. He was such a huge hit. Everyone knows about him. Even the little orphan kids in Somalia probably kno-

Zant: Silence! It's time for you to choose Zelda. This is a life and death matter. It will affect Hyrule everywhere and for all time! Paper or Plastic!

Zelda: (gasps) No! Not that! Anything but that. (Grabs Butterfinger from earlier and gnaws on it nervously, switching her sword to her left hand to eat with her dominant one)

Zant: Yes that! Answer me now! Paper or Plastic.

Zelda: How could I possibly choose between them. (Finishes eating Butterfinger and swiches hands with her sword… and drops it...)

Zant: Ha! That's a form of surrender! I win!!! (Goes randomly dancing around to celebrate his victory)

Zelda: So _that's _why it's called a butterfinger!

They hear a toilet flushing noise. Bob comes out of a random portipotty in the throne room.

Bobaron: Ugh, I am never eating at El Burro Loco Burrito Shack ever again!

**Yummy! I'm still open to any suggestions so if you got one tell me. Have a fun and random day! :)**


	4. Back in Time

**So after being hassled every day at school to write another chapter of this by my friend Burrito (Not kidding, her name's Burrito, dead serious, no joke... Naw I'm kidding.) I've finally come up with the new chapter two. And if your wondering why I'm writing about Ordon when the last chapter was the Zelda flashback, like the content of this story, the layout is totally messed up. I'm might fix it later, but right now that's just way to much work. You might think I'm lazy, which I am, but I would have to do a whole bunch'a random crap in order to fix it so cry me a river, build me a bridge and get over it! Now please read, laugh your butt off, and review. And have a Random Day!!!**

The next morning…

Link: (Randomly sitting in pasture) Oooh, and that cloud looks like Barrack Obama eating a fruitcake!

Fado: Hey, Link. Round ups them naughty goates fors me.

Link: No, I'm having too much fun! Oooh and that one looks like Santa doing the disco!

Fado: Oh c'mon bud, fer old time's sake. Yur done gone leavin' tommorra' anyways.

Link: (cocks head to side) Huh? What are you talking about?

Rusl: (randomly pops up) Oh, oh like yeah… I like, forgot to like, tell you man. Here's like, the thing that, you like, like gotta deliver to uhh, the uhh, dude, king guy… (hands him the Ordon sword.)

Link: Why would the king want this crappy sword. He's got like a million already. I bet the royal blacksmiths could make better ones in their sleep.

Rusl: Hey, like, like dude! I, I, like made that sword… thing… amabob.

Link: Yeah, and?

Rusl: … Yeah, yeah it's crap. (looks dejected) Well then, then like give 'em like this too… (hands him a plastic bag full of orange powder.)

Link: Umm Rusl… What is this?

Rusl: Ordon, like, village has, has like, the best "pumpkin" like, like… ever. It's like, totally awesome… and stuff…

Link: Okay… (looks at orange powder in bag and wonders if this is how Rusl got so… messed up.)

Rusl: That might, like make the king go, "Happies!" or like, stuff. So, like go, like give it to him. But like, like look out for the, uhh, like the Dancing Broccoli. They'll totally steal your stuff, and stuff…

Link: (hesitantly takes bag) Wait, what? I thought you were just drunk when you were talking about that.

Rusl: Who, like, said I wasn't?

Link: o_O

Rusl: No man, they're real. And they like, like to steal your stuff, and stuff.

All of a sudden a random giant floret of broccoli wearing a grass skirt and a fruit hat runs up and steals something out of Rusl's pocket.

Link: What the-!!!

Rusl: Oh, like, no! It like, went and like, stole my wallet and like umm… crap! (goes running after broccoli)

Link: o_O Okay then… Won't be needing this. (Throws bag of "pumpkin" on the ground. Suddenly get knocked off feet.)

Link: (spitting out grass) What the crap was that!?

Fado: Oh, that be the goates. They don'ts like when y'all litters.

Link: (mumbling) Stupid environmentalist goats…

Fado: Well, ya better use this here horse call grass to grass call your horse. (points to grass at his feet)

Link: Fine… (walks forward and gets bowled over by a goat.) Owweee! What the crap was that for?

Fado: (scratches head) Sorry bud, guess they really like me. (The goats rub up next to him and purr like cats, Link looks at them and they give him a murderous stare.)

Link: (gulps) Okay then… (nervously gets up and walks towards horse grass and Fado. Again a goat head butts him. Gets launched back like fifty feet) Ahhh!

Fado: Sorry bud, try again.

Link: (angrily) I'm not doing this unless I get paid in advance! I haven't gotten paid all month!

Fado: Oh, okay bud. Here ya' goes. (Throws him a green rupee)

Link: (catches it) What! One rupee!? I thought goat cheese and crap was so popular and stuff. (oh no! I'm talking like Rusl!) Where's all the other money?

Fado: Oh, yeah, there be lots more. But I kept it all since I'm your boss.

Link: What! That makes absolutely no sense! You don't do any work around here!

Fado: What done gone ya' say? I was pettin' them thar goates (the goats turn red with fury at Link's complaint.)

Link: (freaked out) … I said… "When I'm done, I'll buy you a round beer…"

Fado: (smiling a buck-tooth smile) Oh, thanks bud!

Link: (thinking: Aw crap, now I'm even more in the hole)

Fado: Now, round 'em ups!

Link tries to make a break for the horse grass but the goats charge him. The start a game of volleyball, knocking him back and forth across the field. Finally the goat whose jersey says 18 misses and Link lands next to the barn. He gets an idea and runs inside. He pulls out a plasma cannon and starts shooting the immortal goats calling them names I'd rather not write down. The angry quadrupeds charge the barn but once they enter through the sacred doorway they are bound by the mystical magic where they are guided to their stalls, harmless to Link.

Link: Haha! In your face!!!

Goats: _

Link: (goes out and triumphantly picks Horse Call grass. Starts playing "McDonalds Flay 'o Fish song." A buncha fish come out of nowhere and start slapping him in the face until he plays Epona's song. So he mounts his horse, but he has one more trick up his sleeve.)

Link: (as he's riding out.) Hey, Fado! You talk like a frickin' hill-billy and your nose is the size of Jupiter. And since you're too poor to afford plastic surgery, you're pretty much screwed!

Fado: (looking past gargantuan nose) Huh?

Inside the barn the goats glow a darker red than they've ever glowed. Smoke starts coming out of their noses and ears and butts, and… The Barn Explodes!!!!!!!

Fado: (in a rain of wood) Noooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Link: (imitating Nelson from the Simpsons) Ha ha! (rides off)

* * *

Link: (rides into town, Ilia comes up next to him)

Ilia: Hello, my sweet horse.

Link: Um Hello?… What about me.

Ilia: How was your ride today Epony? Was it fun?

Link: (rolls eyes) Whatever…

The Mayor comes up to them.

Link: Hey mayor, what's your name?

Mayor: Umm… Bo.

Link: How do you spell it?

Bo: B. O.

Link: (points and laughs) Haha! Bo's got B.O.

Ilia: Oh my gosh!

Link: Oh crap, what now?

Ilia: Epona has a tiny microscopic little cut on her leg, that only I would notice because I'm a horse freak!!!! How could you be so cruel Link! I'm just going to randomly accuse you of hurting her while jumping fences 'cause that's what I do!!!!!!!!!!!

Link: What…

Ilia: It's okay Epony. (puts Hello Kitty band-aid on cut) we'll sooth you in the spirit spring. (looks a Link) Jerk! (walks off in a very girly like manner. Whispers to Epona.) Step one of the plan is complete. Muhuhahahahaha….

Bo: But Ilia! Why, without Epona, the gift to the Royal Family won't be delivered on time!

Link: Can I do nothing without Epona? I can't deliver the stupid gift, I can't do my job. Heck, I can't even get a girl without her be obsessed with my friggin' horse! What am I chopped liver?!

Bo: You don't look like chopped liver.

Link: Oh yeah, I suppose you would know. If I were you would have already eaten me, chubchub. (Before Bo can say anything Link runs after Ilia knowing the Mayor-most-obese wouldn't be able keep up with him.)

* * *

Colin: Link, I can take you to Ilia but you have to help me get past the bullies so in essence I'm no help at all. (points to Talo and Malo)

Link: What the-! I thought I kil- (Colin looks suspicious) …had fun with you yesterday! What'cha doing over here?

Talo: I no let you through. Ooh gimme gimme swordy swordy!

Malo: (sarcastic) Your command of the English language is quite impressive Talo… (apparently Link's beating had permanently damaged his brother's tiny, tiny brain.)

Link: You want the sword?

Talo: (drooling) Yeayea!

Link: Okay. This makes perfect sense, bribing a retarded seven-year-old with a dangerous weapon to play with! I'm gonna make a great dad someday!

Talo: (goes over to dummy intending to attack it, but starts licking the sword instead…) Owweee! Spwinty!!!

Colin: Sticks scare me.

* * *

Link: (goes up to gate that leads to spirit spring)

Ilia: You selfish jerk! You heartless demon! You- you-!

Link: Shut up already!

Colin: (on other side of gate with Ilia) Link, I'll-

Link: What the-! How did you get in there?!

Colin: Cheat code.

Link: …What?…

Colin: Link, go around to the other side and crawl through the tunnel.

Link: Kk. (goes through tunnel) Oh noes! I got dirt on my pants/skirt! I gotta dust it off. Dust it off, dust it off…

Ilia: … I had no idea the author was too stupid to remember to write about the part about Talo's capture so we'll just pretend she did. But Colin… (goes over to Epona. She whinnies, freaking Ilia out.)

Ilia: So you still prefer the guy in the manskirt over the girl in the pants, huh Epona. But Link, just promise me this: Pick up McDonalds on your way back, okay?

Link: (smiles… for no apparent reason…)

Suddenly the ground shakes and a buncha' green guys on fat pigs charge in!

Bulblin: Hey Bert! Betcha' can't hit that girl!

Bert: Oh yeah, Ernie? Betcha' can't hit that other girl! Oh wait that's a guy in a manskirt.

Ilia: (Gets shot with an arrow. Faints)

Link: It's not a manskirt! (Gets clubbed on the head. Faints)

Colin: Oh no! (Faints… for no apparent reason…)

Then his lardliness himself enters the spring. King Blubo! Oh wait it's Bulbo… King Bulbo!

King Blubo: Wait a minute… This isn't a bathroom (squints around) This is a car dealership!

Bert: Your lardliness, did you lose you glasses again?

King FatRollsGalore: I told you! I don't need glasses! Ugh, worthless servants. Hmm, I wonder if this genie lamp I got for my birthday will help… (pulls out a horn which he apparently thinks is a genie lamp.) How does this work… Maybe if I blow on the end like this… (horn makes noise and summons dark portal) Where's the genie! I gotta pee!!!

Ernie: They probably have a bathroom in that village over there.

King who's the son of Yo Mama: Take me there! I'm gonna pee my… barrel? Am I really wearing a barrel?

Bert: What about the kids?

King who ate Santa: Take em' with us. Except the one with pointy ears, those scare me…

Link: (wakes up) Omigosh! I should go run across the dangerous suspension bridge so I can possibly battle the giant lard when I have no weapons at all because I gave them to a kid to play with! (runs across bridge. Runs right into the wall of Twilight.) Owwee! My nose! Huh? I don't remember this being here…

Suddenly a giant black arm comes out and pulls him through.

Link: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Twilit Messenger: Who are you and what are you doing in my bathroom!?

Link: What!?

Twilit Messenger: The only way I'd let you in my bathroom is if you said you had toilet paper, 'cause I'm out.

Link: Ahhhh!!!! (Triforce on hand glows)

Twilit Messenger: EEEEKKKK!!! (throws Link in the air) Three… Triangles…. Too…. Complicated… for tiny brain… to comprehend… (has mental breakdown.)

Link: Oh… my head… I'm gonna puke… (tries to get up, but screams and turns into Sonic the Warehog) Wait that's not right… (turns into a regular wolf, then faints)

Twilit Messenger: (is apparently done having mental breakdown) Guess I'll just have to use this as toilet paper. (drags Link off.)


	5. Return to Ordon! As a Doggy

**Hey, Dr. Burrito-Four! Yeah you! I finally got around to posting another chapter. So please don't kill me or break my ears with you screeching. I even put a special parody in here just for you! So please! Please don't.... AHHHHHHHHHH (The author runs off screaming. Then comes back. She tries to fix her hair a little before continuing.)  
Ahem! And now to the rest of my audience! As you will notice (or if you didn't you need some serious therapy) I have started to write in paragraph form. This is because several people have informed me that script fics "aren't allowed" on the site which makes absolutely no sense. But at the risk of my story being pulled off, for once in my life, I will obey the rules. And just so you know, we are now back to after Zelda tells her epic story of random attacks, psychotic villains and butterfingered princesses... and epicness. So now please read, laugh your butt off, and review. And have a random day!!!**

* * *

Link sat in front of Zelda's chair where Zelda herself was, listening intently to the story. When she had finished Link said with a tear in his eye, "So, did they all live happily ever after? And did Bob ever go back to El Burro Loco burrito shack?"

"Then they stuck me in here with Chewy." Zelda said bluntly, raising a little pink game box. It played a little sad tune signaling that the hamster has died… again. "Aw crap!"

Link, now thrust out of the teary-eyed state, just stares at Zelda with an annoyed expression, well, as annoyed as a wolf can look. "You just ruined the moment…"Zelda slams down the little game-boy-esque thing on a conveniently placed table. "I swear, taking care of a puppy would be much easier." She frowns for a moment then smirks at the conveniently placed puppy before her. "Hey Link, how would you like to be my royal puppy dog?"

Link's puppy eyes widen. "Really!? Would I ev--" Midna, whose been sitting on his back the whole time, bored to death, grabs his ear"Oh no you don't, crap breath!" she scolds. "You're _my _slave! You can't just go around trading masters."

"Yes I can!"

"No you can't!"

"Yes I can!"

"No you can't!"

"Yes I can!"

"No you can't!"

"You're ugly!"

"No you ca- Hey!" Midna then proceeds to chase him all around the room, destroying pretty much everything from messing up the papers on the desk to overturning the bed to making the chandelier crash to the floor. If there is one thing you don't do, it's insult the ugly im- I mean imp!

Midna glares at the author. The author gulps. Then Midna goes back to trying to kill Link. If the author isn't careful she might end up being killed by her own character in a no doubt painful way.

While the author is pointlessly narrating to herself, Zelda sits on the one and only chair in the room and watches the destruction, whilst munching on a Butterfinger.

Link, amidst the chaos, shouts, "Fat Leprechaun!"

"Agh! Ugly Poodle!" Midna retorts throwing a lampshade she found on, well, a dodges it and shouts back, "Scary Midget!"

"Prison Reject!"

"Chub chub!"

"Barfhead!"

"Emo cutter girl!"

"Gorgeous Hottie!"

Link, about to throw a banana stops suddenly. "Crazy imp girl say wha?"

"Wha?" Midna echoes, blushing. "Toe!" She throws a old shoe with her cruddy comeback, and mentally stabs herself

Absently chewing something, probably the aforementioned banana, Link mutters, "What? I wasn't listening. I was eating a banan- Ah!" And gets hit in the face with the shoe "Owee!"

_Maybe he didn't hear me… _Midna thinks

As she's crumbling the empty remains of the Butterfinger wrapper, Zelda jolts up out of the chair as if she's just remembered something really important.

"I just remember something really important!" The Author facepalms at the at the unimaginativeness of her characters.

Midna turns her head. "Hmm? What?"

Zelda jumps up and down and starts ranting. "There's a guard guy who comes and checks on me ever so often. And he'll probably come soon!"

Midna's creepy eyes widen. "What!? And you just remembered this!?"

"I forgot…" Zelda says twiddling her fingers.

"Ugh! You light-dwellers are so _stupid! _C'mon fleabag!" She grabs Link's tail and tries to pull him out the door.

But Link fights back. "No, wait! I want to see if he has cookies!"

Midna stares at him. "… _What?"_

"I'm hungry."

Midna, using her spidey senses, er, Twili senses, hears footsteps on the stairs outside the room. Quickly she comes up with a way to get the retarded hero to come with her. "I've got cookies too!"

"Really!!!"

"Yeah! Now hurry up!"

Link jolts out of the room, Midna goes to follow him but turns back to Zelda a moment.

"Oh yeah! I'm supposed to falsely call you the Twilight Princess so that all the people who play this game will get totally messed up and not suspect I'm the Twilight Princess and be like 'Whoa, what the-! Did not see that coming!' Unless you are stupid like the author and read all the character profiles in the game guide where they spoiled the biggest secret of the game which is really kind of stupid because they should take into account that some people will read that before the beat they game, but now that I think about it, why would you need a game guide, the game is so easy it is like impossible to get a game over unless you are totally and insanely stupid or a complete and utter retar-"

Zelda interrupts her random ranting which she kinda wasn't understanding… at all. "Uh, don't you have somewhere to be. Like, away from here, before the guard finds you and kills you?"

"… Oh yeah…" She takes a few breaths and goes out the door.

Zelda sighs. Then she looks up at the sky er- ceiling. "Is that true?"

"What! They shouldn't put a spoiler that big in the frickin' game guide! People are bound to see it!" the author says, flipping a piece of hair out of her face in annoyance, obviously frustrated.

"Why did you even need a game guide?"

The Author twiddles her unseen fingers. "Well, umm…"

Just then, an insanely hot dark-haired young man enters the room, followed by the screams of rabid fan girls.

"What's going on?" Murtagh the Dragon Rider says, the screaming almost drowning out his voice. "I thought I heard voices coming from up- What the Helgrind? What happened in here?" He sees scattered papers, up-side-down bed and broken chandelier and one little princess in the room.

"Oh, um… I, ah, got mad. 'Cause, umm, I'm locked up and it's all dark and twilighty. So, I, uh, kinda destroyed some stuff 'cause umm… Graah!" Zelda tries to overturn chair but it proves too heavy for the delicate princess. Red faced, she looks over at Murty with a nervous grin. "heheheh"

Murtagh cocks an eyebrow. "Okay…"

Zelda desperately tries to change the subject. "So, uh… What are you doing all the way out here in Hy-"

"Hold on," he says. He steps out the door a minute, where his screaming hunnies await. "Garjzla!" he shouts. There are a few brief screams, a singeing sound and the smell of burnt hair. And silence. Then he reenters the room. "You were saying?"

Zelda stares at him for a minute, swallows hard and then nervously continues. "What are you doing in Hyrule? I mean, shouldn't you be in Alagaesia unwillingly serving an evil King?

Murtagh leans against the wall. "Naw, me and Thorn are on vacation."

"Vacation?" Zelda raises an eyebrow. "Galbatorix let you have a vacation?"

"No, but what he doesn't know, can't hurt him." He puts his arms behind his head. "I just hope that Robo-Murtagh and Thorn I bought from Malo Mart will be enough to fool Galby."

Zelda stares at him for a second. "…umm. Malo Mart doesn't exist yet.

Murtagh's eyes go wide and he almost falls over. "What?! Aw crap! He's gonna kill us when he finds out!"

"Speaking of which, where is Thorn? Kinda hard to miss don't you think? Big, evil, red dragon and all." Zelda points out.

Murtagh suddenly looks distraught. "Oh yeah…" he mumbles.

Zelda tilts her head to the side. "What's wrong?"

"It's just, me and Thorn got into an argument… And then he threw me off and flew away."

Zelda is suddenly in a pink skirt/suit with glasses and her hair tied up neatly in a bun. The chair behind her turns into an office chair that she sits down on and the up-side-down bed turns into one of those long therapist couches. Murtagh sits down.

"Tell me more," Zelda beckons. "What were you fighting about?"

"Well, we were flying over Hyrule, wondering how to get to the desert, Thorn wanted to stop for bulbos, and we got into an argument about which way to go. I told him that it was in the West side of Hyrule but he insisted that it was in the East, the same direction as the sun rises. I told him that he was stupid and that the sun rose in the West but then I noticed that here the sun actually does rise in the East, which really creeps me out. Then I started yelling at him for making me look stupid and that's when he threw me off."

"Mmhmm" Zelda nods while writing something on her clipboard. "And how does that make you feel?"

Murtagh shrugs. "Sad, depressed, lonely. But also mad, angry, ticked off. I mean, I go on a vacation and end up in some other medieval countries unwillingly serving yet another evil king dude! That's exactly what I took the vacation away from!" Then Murtagh, in rage, flips over the couch, much more than Zelda could do. Then he curls up in the fetal position and starts crying. Zelda comes over to him.

"I just want my buddy back!" he moans.

Zelda pats him on the back and then hands him something.

Murtagh looks up and blinks. "A Butterfinger?"

Link and Midna escaped just in the nick of time (I say that because Midna had to help Link out the window which was harder than you might think) and now sat on the roof of Hyrule Castle as the oddly clichéd rain poured down.

"Now what?" Midna asks.

"Gimme cookies!" Link drools.

Midna is confused for a minute but then remembers her promise. "What? Oh yeah. Here." She hands him a little snack bag.

Link opens the bag (which is odd because he doesn't have thumbs) and is about to plunge his head into it when he notices something. "Hey! These are carrots! You said you had cookies!"

"I lied. These are better for you anyway."

Link death glares. "Well then I'm just going to have to ask that guard dude-that-for-some-reason-everyone-thinks-is-hot-who-is-kind-of-out-of-place-in-Hyrule-because-he's-from-Alagaesia-which-is-kinda-weird-'cause-that-place-doesn't-really-exsist-in-this-world if he has any." He pouts and turns his puppy body 'round to the window.

"Wait aren't you forgetting something?" Midna asks.

Link turns back. "Hmm?"

"Like your friends who were taken by the Monster King Most Fat. These ones:" She turns into Colin and screams like a girl. Then turns into Ilia and screams, Ilia's voice is actually lower than Colin's which is kinda weird... Link's eyes widen making his pupils into little dots which really creeps me out.

Midna does her sadistic laugh, "Heehee. Do you want to save them?"

"No duh!!!" But then he thinks better of it. "Actually… I just want to save the kid. I don't care what happens to the crazy, psycho, horse girl. I mean, c'mon, no one is that obsessed with ho-"

"Shut up! I'm not done with my monologue!" she shouts sharply. Link shuts up, ears folded back against his head. Midna clears her throat. "Well then little old Midna would be happy to-" She puts arm behind her/Ilia's head to emphasize her monologue, and then realizes something. "Wait a minute… I'm a girl again!!!"

Link stares at her and cocks non-existent eyebrow.

Midna's eyes widen as she realizes what he's thinking. "No, no! That's not what I-"

"Hermy…" Link mutters.

Midna turns back into normal self. "Shut up! Now I'm taking you back to the light so you can do more slavey things for me!"

Link opens his mouth to protest but is then turned into like a bazillion little black squares and shot out of a cannon! Oh wait that's not right. Well, whatever happens, he ends up at Ordona Spring. Unfortunately, he's still a wolf.

"Aw Crap! This sucks!" Link moans. "I'm smelly and hairy and I still can't eat chocolate!" He heads over to the entrance of the Spring.

Midna, who is invisible, laughs her frickin' annoying laugh. "Heehee!"

Link flinches. "Crap! You're still here?"

Midna pops out a his shadow, a mere shadow herself which kinda looks like a black balloon animal. "What, did you think I'd gone?"

"Still wish you were…" Midna death glares him. "What was with the geometry lesson! It was not fun!"

Midna stares at him in confusion. "What? Geometry les-…?" Then she gets it. "That's called warping you idiot! You better remember that!" She silently resolves to hurt him for that suckish pun. "Now get me a sword and shield that'll suite me."

"What do you mean, 'that'll suite me?'" Link asks, knowing that whatever it is will be a heck of a lot harder then it should be.

Midna absently examines her nails… Wait a minute, she has nails! "Oh you know, just a Barbie Mariposa novelty sword and shie-" She notices Link ears perk up "I mean!… Just an Ordon sword and Wooden shield!!!"

Link is sad about the lack of Barbie Mariposa in his life. So he take his rage out on Midna. "Why do you want those?! You won't even use them!"

She examines her questionable existing nails again as her demented hair comes to life.

Hugo screams, "What Master wants, Master gets!"

"Eep!"

Then the hair turns back to normal. "Thank you Hugo" Midna says.

"Um…" Link ummifies. "Do you have an extra pair of underwear I could borrow? I seem to have… soiled mine…"

Midna face palms. "Oh God. Why?"

* * *

**Oh poor Midna, she has to put up with the mentally chalenged Hero. So... What'dja think? How do the paragraph form and scriptforms compare? Is it as funny? Oh and sorry to those of you who havn't read Eragon and didn't get the whole "Murtagh the Dragon Rider thing." But wait... now that I think about it, I could have just spoiled a huge, mega, uber secret for a lot of people! No!!! What have I done! I've become what I sought to destroy!!!! Noooooooooo!!!!!!!!! (Author has emotional breakdown. Then suddenly perks up) Have a fun and random day!!! Bye bye!!!! :)**


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